The decision, and then some

Well, blog! A lot has happened since I failed miserably at Andrew's challenge to write a blog post two days a week. That was well over a month ago, and this is only my second post. Let's just admit it: I'm in the wrong here. I suck. :)

Okay, so three days after my last post, my wonderful and amazing Andrew asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, and of course I said yes. I'm so very excited. My ring is absolutely amazing too. So a lot of my time has been taken up with wedding planning for our April 28 wedding (yikes, soon!).

Also, shortly after that, we learned we will be moving back to Chicago at the end of September. Which is good for so many reasons. First, it's Chicago (and not Stamford). Second, friends and family. Third....I get to quit my job! Which is a fantastic way to kick start this plan of mine to start Pilates teacher training. I'm going to get a part time job and focus on learning Pilates through practice, then start training.

So wow, this is a reality. Or almost a reality. Exciting and scary. I mean, now I actually have to do it. I actually have to follow through with this. Really spend this time internalizing Pilates and making it like second nature. Feel it in my bones, and feel the changes it brings to my body. Because at some point, it will be my job to bring those changes to others. Wow.

What if I suck at this? What if I don't like the people? What if I am not any good at the programming part of it? Hmmm. Very scary. I don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to try something new or take a risk.

But. Two Pilates instructors told me they think I will be good at it. They both say I "understand" it. So that makes me feel good. Hopefully it continues.

in the beginning / what to do

I think the thing about figuring out what to do with your life is that you feel like there's supposed to be some clear (or clearer?) direction, or something semi-obvious, or at least some clues. And up to a point, I guess I always felt like there was, but now...nothing. I've never really had a particular area that appealed to me, nothing drawing me nearer, nothing that "spoke" to me. My career has drifted from one industry to the next, with nothing really seeming any better than the last thing.

Truthfully I'm probably mentally lazy. Which in itself is scary/disappointing/shameful to think about, but I think that's another topic. But I think it's also that I'm not really meant for "business." My brain doesn't really work that way. I want to understand what I'm supposed to do, and have a good, clear concept of what I have to do. I want the "work" to come to me, not to have to seek it out, or expand it, or be businessy about it. Not really what today's businesses want to hear, but...I'm okay with myself enough to understand that.

So, what, then, do I want? Why does that seem like it should be an easy question to answer? The things I've landed on:
1. I want to "make a difference."
2. I like working out - weights, cardio, pilates, cycling
3. I like wine.

#1 is like a trick though, because, if I find something I really like doing, will I care as much about make a difference? I think so. First, whatever I find "to do" might actually be something that makes a difference. Win-win. But second, there are so many ways to "make a difference" that this doesn't necessarily have to be answered by my job. It could be answered by donating, volunteering, fostering, becoming a mom, etc. So let's set that aside for now.

So for the last many years of my life, what has been consistent? Well, I've been working out consistently (sometimes harder than others) for 8 years. I've also really liked wine. So how do I decide which to pursue?

Fitness is a crazy big category - exercise physiology, personal training, physical therapy, sports medicine, etc, all of which require a lot more schooling. Not an easy decision considering it's been 9 years since I've been in school (wow, am I that old?). But even more important, school is really expensive! And how can I do it while working full time? Work/life balance is so crucial to me, and I can't see myself mentally surviving 40 hours of work per week plus school, plus home life.

Didn't I used to be wonder woman? How did this all get so taxing and exhausting?

So I'm not sure I'm capable of/up for a lot of expensive school that will take away from my enjoying life. But I did love Pilates when I went to mat classes all the time, and I'm really enjoying the reformer and other machines. That's an idea. Pilates training is intense, but not as extensive as something requiring a degree. I've never wanted to be a trainer, but a Pilates instructor...that doesn't seem as overwhelming. Nor do the hours seem as insane. And I like the idea of the grace and beauty of Pilates. It amazes me what the body can do, truly, when I see and do things on these machines.

But I do love wine. It's tastier. And I think wine is easier to get excited about (because it's a sense thing). More accessible, more seductive. More naturally interesting, exciting. And multi-faceted: there's how to taste it, how it's made, the history, etc.

On the other hand, there are downsides to "going into wine" - it's pretty immense. Also...I've never had a great sense of smell!

So I've done some research (a little, for I am so terribly bad at research) and found a couple of institutions where I can learn more about each of them. Now I just need to do something. Stop looking for reasons to wait, stop trying to find something else to distract you, stop staying still. Find some motivation, find some energy, for God's sake, and please just do something.