in the beginning / what to do

I think the thing about figuring out what to do with your life is that you feel like there's supposed to be some clear (or clearer?) direction, or something semi-obvious, or at least some clues. And up to a point, I guess I always felt like there was, but now...nothing. I've never really had a particular area that appealed to me, nothing drawing me nearer, nothing that "spoke" to me. My career has drifted from one industry to the next, with nothing really seeming any better than the last thing.

Truthfully I'm probably mentally lazy. Which in itself is scary/disappointing/shameful to think about, but I think that's another topic. But I think it's also that I'm not really meant for "business." My brain doesn't really work that way. I want to understand what I'm supposed to do, and have a good, clear concept of what I have to do. I want the "work" to come to me, not to have to seek it out, or expand it, or be businessy about it. Not really what today's businesses want to hear, but...I'm okay with myself enough to understand that.

So, what, then, do I want? Why does that seem like it should be an easy question to answer? The things I've landed on:
1. I want to "make a difference."
2. I like working out - weights, cardio, pilates, cycling
3. I like wine.

#1 is like a trick though, because, if I find something I really like doing, will I care as much about make a difference? I think so. First, whatever I find "to do" might actually be something that makes a difference. Win-win. But second, there are so many ways to "make a difference" that this doesn't necessarily have to be answered by my job. It could be answered by donating, volunteering, fostering, becoming a mom, etc. So let's set that aside for now.

So for the last many years of my life, what has been consistent? Well, I've been working out consistently (sometimes harder than others) for 8 years. I've also really liked wine. So how do I decide which to pursue?

Fitness is a crazy big category - exercise physiology, personal training, physical therapy, sports medicine, etc, all of which require a lot more schooling. Not an easy decision considering it's been 9 years since I've been in school (wow, am I that old?). But even more important, school is really expensive! And how can I do it while working full time? Work/life balance is so crucial to me, and I can't see myself mentally surviving 40 hours of work per week plus school, plus home life.

Didn't I used to be wonder woman? How did this all get so taxing and exhausting?

So I'm not sure I'm capable of/up for a lot of expensive school that will take away from my enjoying life. But I did love Pilates when I went to mat classes all the time, and I'm really enjoying the reformer and other machines. That's an idea. Pilates training is intense, but not as extensive as something requiring a degree. I've never wanted to be a trainer, but a Pilates instructor...that doesn't seem as overwhelming. Nor do the hours seem as insane. And I like the idea of the grace and beauty of Pilates. It amazes me what the body can do, truly, when I see and do things on these machines.

But I do love wine. It's tastier. And I think wine is easier to get excited about (because it's a sense thing). More accessible, more seductive. More naturally interesting, exciting. And multi-faceted: there's how to taste it, how it's made, the history, etc.

On the other hand, there are downsides to "going into wine" - it's pretty immense. Also...I've never had a great sense of smell!

So I've done some research (a little, for I am so terribly bad at research) and found a couple of institutions where I can learn more about each of them. Now I just need to do something. Stop looking for reasons to wait, stop trying to find something else to distract you, stop staying still. Find some motivation, find some energy, for God's sake, and please just do something.