It has been a lot harder to stick to my "three times a week" writing schedule than I thought. Inspired though I was, ideas abounding, I let life get in the way. The inspiration ebbed, and here I am waiting for the flow. I let the endless household chores and Zoey's endless puppy energy be the things that I "had" to take care of.
I simply can't sit down and write now; that takes concentration, and look at all this laundry! Look at the veggies that need to be chopped! Zoey needs an hour long walk, and she's looking at me with those incredible puppy eyes! And doing that hippity hop she does. Oh and all those errands to run! Costco and Paulina Meat Market and Kriser's and the gas station and Howard's Wines and the vet....oh, and the studio! And now it's been a month since I last sat down to write.
It's terribly disappointing to love the idea of writing on a regular basis and then not actually honoring that commitment to myself. Add that to the list: "Ways I've Let Myself Down." Ahh, well, I'm here now, so enough of the self-pity :)
What's been going on this month? Well, where should I start?!
Andrew and I just returned from an Independence Day trip to Seattle - look for a post soon! - where we had a ton of fun. Muscle car shows, twin engine planes, a four mile run along the Sound, coffee, beer, everything!
We have most of our Italy trip booked - I'm so excited!! And...io sto imparando Italiano! I have been taking weekly Italian classes at Multilingual Connections, and I am loving it. What a fun language - I love the way the words sound and feel when you pronounce them. A few weeks ago I took one of those silly facebook quizzes (what kind of <fill in the blank> are you?) which informed me that I love words, and my Italian language experience is definitely confirming this.
Andrew and I invested in a new digital camera for our Italy trip. I've been busy taking lots of pictures (much to my husband's chagrin) and am trying to learn Adobe Lightroom - it is insane what you can do with a photo post production.
For the last few months I've been doing a lot of soul searching in regards to teaching and my career path. The books and movies always make soul searching sound easy, almost romantic. All you have to do is don your denim jacket, go to the nearest bridge overlooking a beautiful river, preferably at night when all the stars are shining, and the Truth will come to you.
It suffices to say, this has not been my experience. It's been a rough couple of months, rife with anxiety and crabbiness. My body is a wreck (and not just from all the running), but I finally hit the proverbial rock bottom, emotionally, and I am on my way back up! I've recommitted to myself physically, and I am close to a place where I can be genuine in evaluating my hopes and needs for teaching.
It feels really good to be on the upswing. It's cliche but I truly feel like a weight has been lifted off me - there is so much less pressure on my chest and shoulders these days. I'm looking forward to once again being productive with my thoughts and actions, and (sappy me) am thankful I have a great guy there with me.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Written
When you haven't written in a long time, you forget how hard it is. Not that it's difficult to type out words and make them into a sentence - I do that all the time in emails. But to do it well - to be effective, to be moving - that's challenging.
When you used to "be a writer," and you've been away from it, you forget that it didn't just come easily and simply. It didn't all just flow out of your mind and onto the page, in these beautifully phrased, elegant paragraphs.
You forget all the times you had to just say everything you could think of until you could pinpoint some sort of theme. You forget how to actually start drafting, how to search for the data points that support your focus. You forget that you change your mind halfway through. You forget that even after you've written everything you think you want to, you reread it and realize you don't want to say that at all.
Writing again is like the first time you move after you've been sick in bed for a couple weeks. There is stiffness and uncertainty, aches and dullness as you start to flex the prime movers. Awareness has dimmed or faded, and for the first few tries it's more exploration and attempting than it is working out. Will this ever feel normal again?
After a while you start to feel some awakening; you sense some memories dancing at the edge of consciousness. There is a little burst of success, the "aha!" moment that reminds you what it used to feel like. Hopefully, if you keep at it, it will get better. Hopefully this is the start of something new and amazing.
When you used to "be a writer," and you've been away from it, you forget that it didn't just come easily and simply. It didn't all just flow out of your mind and onto the page, in these beautifully phrased, elegant paragraphs.
You forget all the times you had to just say everything you could think of until you could pinpoint some sort of theme. You forget how to actually start drafting, how to search for the data points that support your focus. You forget that you change your mind halfway through. You forget that even after you've written everything you think you want to, you reread it and realize you don't want to say that at all.
Writing again is like the first time you move after you've been sick in bed for a couple weeks. There is stiffness and uncertainty, aches and dullness as you start to flex the prime movers. Awareness has dimmed or faded, and for the first few tries it's more exploration and attempting than it is working out. Will this ever feel normal again?
After a while you start to feel some awakening; you sense some memories dancing at the edge of consciousness. There is a little burst of success, the "aha!" moment that reminds you what it used to feel like. Hopefully, if you keep at it, it will get better. Hopefully this is the start of something new and amazing.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
A date with my city
This weekend I planned to return home to Cincinnati for some much-needed time with family and besties. Alas, this wonderful winter has decided I should stay put, so, if I must stay in Chicago, I will take advantage!!
Last Friday I was able to get to the Art Institute of Chicago (AIC) and check out the Christopher Wool exhibit, which was amazing. Andrew and I are members of the AIC so I partake in some art whenever I can, but today I wanted something slightly different. Solution: the Museum for Contemporary Art (MCA). I purchase my brand new Ventra card, hop on the Red line and head to River North.
As I pass the Chicago Fire Department's Engine 98, and approach the MCA, a giant head greets me. Literally a 20-foot tall head installed at the base of the front steps, The Character and Shape of Illuminated Things by Amanda Ross-Ho offers the first glimpse of the what's in store inside. Today the main exhibit is The Way of the Shovel, cleverly advertised amidst a sidewalk full of snow, with shoveled walkways that look almost manicured. I bound up the steps, and almost meet my maker after slipping on the wet floor inside the revolving door. Yes, that takes a special talent.
After paying the trifling $12 adult admission (Attendant: are you a teacher or student? Me: well I teach Pilates, but I don't think that's what you mean. Attendant: ...crickets... Seriously?! Nothing?! Come on, dude...), I head over to the complementary coat check and ditch my coat, gloves, hat, ear muffs, scarf...the list goes on. The prominent sign that says "no tips" and describes why this is a service they choose to offer only makes me want to tip them more. Respecting their wishes, I head to my first exhibit, William J. O'Brien.
Full of colored pencil and glitter, this exhibit is overrun with junior high groups and tour guides, so while full of brilliant color, I pass quickly through the complex drawings, paintings and sculptures. Though, I overhear and appreciate the guide's comparisons to the imperfect clay works the students may have made as children, and the artist's decision to include similar pieces in his exhibit.
The City Self exhibit enthralls me. It is the one exhibit I will recommend to my husband. I have a soft spot for my adopted city and all the beautiful things she has to offer, and so when I see her in print I am mesmerized. The mix of photography, paintings, sketches and other mediums from various artists offers an intimate view of Chicago, and the feeling that you are seeing the most secret and best the city has to offer.
I breeze through the rest of the exhibits; much as I like to consider myself cultured, I like to look, not read, when I'm at a museum, so I don't have much patience for exhibits that require explanation. Finally though, no visit to the MCA is complete without a stop in their two story museum shop. Quirky cards, books and trinkets, jewelry, housewares, stuffed animals, every modern thing you could possibly want. Though the winding staircase has been known to disorient me, few places entertain me so completely as the MCA shop.
My desire for culture satiated, I head south on Michigan Avenue. A plethora of uniformed officers mill about, and I wonder fleetingly about the Mag Mile muggings I've read about in the last few months. Fortunately on such a cold day, crowds are small - only the most desperate or bored are crazy enough to be shopping on Michigan today.
I don't make the trip to Michigan Ave often (I have a well-known dislike of crowds), so I make a quick stop at Nordstrom. In search of comfy AND cute sandals, I leave disappointed, and head to Room and Board to scout out an entry table. While very attractive and fitting for our space, the small table we've been eyeing online offends my (occasional) frugality, so I move on. Luckily for me, while window shopping at R&B, I spot a shopper carrying an Eataly paper bag. Light bulb!! Andrew has little interest in such a place, but since I'm by myself on a weekday, crowds are likely to be manageable. As an added benefit, I'm starving! Lunch is planned.
Inside it's bustling. I'm greeted by a very tall man with a huge smile, who asks me if I've ever been to Eataly. He informs me that I've just found my new home, and hands me a map. The first floor is a maze of cafe-style shops, and beautiful, fun housewares. I'm still starving so I head upstairs and am overwhelmed by the sheer size of what confronts me. People everywhere, I see counters filled with salamis, cheeses, pastas; mid-aisle stands offer me every Italian delight I could hope for. I turn around, and see the enormous wine section, followed by angels singing!
I wander a bit, trying to get a feel for the etiquette. It's overwhelming, really, and though there are a number of individual restaurants at hand, it is not clear which tables belong to which restaurant, and nothing to tell you if you should seat yourself or wait for a host/ess. I'm on a healthier eating kick, so I grab a bar seat at La Verdure.
The prosecco I start with is a generous pour, the bubbles immediately making me happy and giggly. I order the farratto, and it is truly amazing. The risotto style preparation is creamy and delicious, and the butternut squash makes the dish decadent. I devour every last bit of it. The service is a little slow, so it takes about 10-15 more minutes to get my check and pay.
I make a bee line for the wine section, and spend about 20 minutes perusing before I make my selections. The counter selling fresh pasta is too tempting to pass up, so I purchase several bundles of spinach and squid ink pasta. A few counters, and a hundred dollars, later, I'm on my way to the Red Line, giddy with my purchases, and reminded of why I love Chicago.
Last Friday I was able to get to the Art Institute of Chicago (AIC) and check out the Christopher Wool exhibit, which was amazing. Andrew and I are members of the AIC so I partake in some art whenever I can, but today I wanted something slightly different. Solution: the Museum for Contemporary Art (MCA). I purchase my brand new Ventra card, hop on the Red line and head to River North.
As I pass the Chicago Fire Department's Engine 98, and approach the MCA, a giant head greets me. Literally a 20-foot tall head installed at the base of the front steps, The Character and Shape of Illuminated Things by Amanda Ross-Ho offers the first glimpse of the what's in store inside. Today the main exhibit is The Way of the Shovel, cleverly advertised amidst a sidewalk full of snow, with shoveled walkways that look almost manicured. I bound up the steps, and almost meet my maker after slipping on the wet floor inside the revolving door. Yes, that takes a special talent.
After paying the trifling $12 adult admission (Attendant: are you a teacher or student? Me: well I teach Pilates, but I don't think that's what you mean. Attendant: ...crickets... Seriously?! Nothing?! Come on, dude...), I head over to the complementary coat check and ditch my coat, gloves, hat, ear muffs, scarf...the list goes on. The prominent sign that says "no tips" and describes why this is a service they choose to offer only makes me want to tip them more. Respecting their wishes, I head to my first exhibit, William J. O'Brien.
Full of colored pencil and glitter, this exhibit is overrun with junior high groups and tour guides, so while full of brilliant color, I pass quickly through the complex drawings, paintings and sculptures. Though, I overhear and appreciate the guide's comparisons to the imperfect clay works the students may have made as children, and the artist's decision to include similar pieces in his exhibit.
The City Self exhibit enthralls me. It is the one exhibit I will recommend to my husband. I have a soft spot for my adopted city and all the beautiful things she has to offer, and so when I see her in print I am mesmerized. The mix of photography, paintings, sketches and other mediums from various artists offers an intimate view of Chicago, and the feeling that you are seeing the most secret and best the city has to offer.
I breeze through the rest of the exhibits; much as I like to consider myself cultured, I like to look, not read, when I'm at a museum, so I don't have much patience for exhibits that require explanation. Finally though, no visit to the MCA is complete without a stop in their two story museum shop. Quirky cards, books and trinkets, jewelry, housewares, stuffed animals, every modern thing you could possibly want. Though the winding staircase has been known to disorient me, few places entertain me so completely as the MCA shop.
My desire for culture satiated, I head south on Michigan Avenue. A plethora of uniformed officers mill about, and I wonder fleetingly about the Mag Mile muggings I've read about in the last few months. Fortunately on such a cold day, crowds are small - only the most desperate or bored are crazy enough to be shopping on Michigan today.
I don't make the trip to Michigan Ave often (I have a well-known dislike of crowds), so I make a quick stop at Nordstrom. In search of comfy AND cute sandals, I leave disappointed, and head to Room and Board to scout out an entry table. While very attractive and fitting for our space, the small table we've been eyeing online offends my (occasional) frugality, so I move on. Luckily for me, while window shopping at R&B, I spot a shopper carrying an Eataly paper bag. Light bulb!! Andrew has little interest in such a place, but since I'm by myself on a weekday, crowds are likely to be manageable. As an added benefit, I'm starving! Lunch is planned.
Inside it's bustling. I'm greeted by a very tall man with a huge smile, who asks me if I've ever been to Eataly. He informs me that I've just found my new home, and hands me a map. The first floor is a maze of cafe-style shops, and beautiful, fun housewares. I'm still starving so I head upstairs and am overwhelmed by the sheer size of what confronts me. People everywhere, I see counters filled with salamis, cheeses, pastas; mid-aisle stands offer me every Italian delight I could hope for. I turn around, and see the enormous wine section, followed by angels singing!
I wander a bit, trying to get a feel for the etiquette. It's overwhelming, really, and though there are a number of individual restaurants at hand, it is not clear which tables belong to which restaurant, and nothing to tell you if you should seat yourself or wait for a host/ess. I'm on a healthier eating kick, so I grab a bar seat at La Verdure.
The prosecco I start with is a generous pour, the bubbles immediately making me happy and giggly. I order the farratto, and it is truly amazing. The risotto style preparation is creamy and delicious, and the butternut squash makes the dish decadent. I devour every last bit of it. The service is a little slow, so it takes about 10-15 more minutes to get my check and pay.
I make a bee line for the wine section, and spend about 20 minutes perusing before I make my selections. The counter selling fresh pasta is too tempting to pass up, so I purchase several bundles of spinach and squid ink pasta. A few counters, and a hundred dollars, later, I'm on my way to the Red Line, giddy with my purchases, and reminded of why I love Chicago.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Friendship / no more selfishness
So. Perhaps to return to the blog that then-fiance now-husband made us start? It could be the time.
First thoughts that must be expressed are on friendship. This is a realization that has smacked me square in the face, and a reminder of what I should strive for. If you are going to have someone as a friend - if they are going to be a friend to you, and you are going to accept and encourage that friendship, you must in turn be a friend to them!
It cannot be about you all the time. You have to allow the conversation to, at least occasionally be about them, and not finagle it around to you again. You must let them be a significant part of the relationship, and not consider each of their statements or stories as an opportunity to talk about yourself.
I urge you to take a look at your friendships and examine - truthfully - whether you are allowing your friends the opportunity and the freedom to express themselves, their needs, desires, insecurities, wants, hopes, fears, all, or any of this, without judgment, without turning the story away from them.
You may not recognize this - I did not recognize it in myself. I challenge you. Pay attention to each conversation you have in the next 24 hours. How many times do you change your friend's story into a story of your own? If you value your friendship, make sure you give them the chance to express their spirit. Sometimes they have things to share, and if you try to trump them, it only shows you devalue them.
First thoughts that must be expressed are on friendship. This is a realization that has smacked me square in the face, and a reminder of what I should strive for. If you are going to have someone as a friend - if they are going to be a friend to you, and you are going to accept and encourage that friendship, you must in turn be a friend to them!
It cannot be about you all the time. You have to allow the conversation to, at least occasionally be about them, and not finagle it around to you again. You must let them be a significant part of the relationship, and not consider each of their statements or stories as an opportunity to talk about yourself.
I urge you to take a look at your friendships and examine - truthfully - whether you are allowing your friends the opportunity and the freedom to express themselves, their needs, desires, insecurities, wants, hopes, fears, all, or any of this, without judgment, without turning the story away from them.
You may not recognize this - I did not recognize it in myself. I challenge you. Pay attention to each conversation you have in the next 24 hours. How many times do you change your friend's story into a story of your own? If you value your friendship, make sure you give them the chance to express their spirit. Sometimes they have things to share, and if you try to trump them, it only shows you devalue them.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The decision, and then some
Well, blog! A lot has happened since I failed miserably at Andrew's challenge to write a blog post two days a week. That was well over a month ago, and this is only my second post. Let's just admit it: I'm in the wrong here. I suck. :)
Okay, so three days after my last post, my wonderful and amazing Andrew asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, and of course I said yes. I'm so very excited. My ring is absolutely amazing too. So a lot of my time has been taken up with wedding planning for our April 28 wedding (yikes, soon!).
Also, shortly after that, we learned we will be moving back to Chicago at the end of September. Which is good for so many reasons. First, it's Chicago (and not Stamford). Second, friends and family. Third....I get to quit my job! Which is a fantastic way to kick start this plan of mine to start Pilates teacher training. I'm going to get a part time job and focus on learning Pilates through practice, then start training.
So wow, this is a reality. Or almost a reality. Exciting and scary. I mean, now I actually have to do it. I actually have to follow through with this. Really spend this time internalizing Pilates and making it like second nature. Feel it in my bones, and feel the changes it brings to my body. Because at some point, it will be my job to bring those changes to others. Wow.
What if I suck at this? What if I don't like the people? What if I am not any good at the programming part of it? Hmmm. Very scary. I don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to try something new or take a risk.
But. Two Pilates instructors told me they think I will be good at it. They both say I "understand" it. So that makes me feel good. Hopefully it continues.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
in the beginning / what to do
I think the thing about figuring out what to do with your life is that you feel like there's supposed to be some clear (or clearer?) direction, or something semi-obvious, or at least some clues. And up to a point, I guess I always felt like there was, but now...nothing. I've never really had a particular area that appealed to me, nothing drawing me nearer, nothing that "spoke" to me. My career has drifted from one industry to the next, with nothing really seeming any better than the last thing.
Truthfully I'm probably mentally lazy. Which in itself is scary/disappointing/shameful to think about, but I think that's another topic. But I think it's also that I'm not really meant for "business." My brain doesn't really work that way. I want to understand what I'm supposed to do, and have a good, clear concept of what I have to do. I want the "work" to come to me, not to have to seek it out, or expand it, or be businessy about it. Not really what today's businesses want to hear, but...I'm okay with myself enough to understand that.
So, what, then, do I want? Why does that seem like it should be an easy question to answer? The things I've landed on:
1. I want to "make a difference."
2. I like working out - weights, cardio, pilates, cycling
3. I like wine.
#1 is like a trick though, because, if I find something I really like doing, will I care as much about make a difference? I think so. First, whatever I find "to do" might actually be something that makes a difference. Win-win. But second, there are so many ways to "make a difference" that this doesn't necessarily have to be answered by my job. It could be answered by donating, volunteering, fostering, becoming a mom, etc. So let's set that aside for now.
So for the last many years of my life, what has been consistent? Well, I've been working out consistently (sometimes harder than others) for 8 years. I've also really liked wine. So how do I decide which to pursue?
Fitness is a crazy big category - exercise physiology, personal training, physical therapy, sports medicine, etc, all of which require a lot more schooling. Not an easy decision considering it's been 9 years since I've been in school (wow, am I that old?). But even more important, school is really expensive! And how can I do it while working full time? Work/life balance is so crucial to me, and I can't see myself mentally surviving 40 hours of work per week plus school, plus home life.
Didn't I used to be wonder woman? How did this all get so taxing and exhausting?
So I'm not sure I'm capable of/up for a lot of expensive school that will take away from my enjoying life. But I did love Pilates when I went to mat classes all the time, and I'm really enjoying the reformer and other machines. That's an idea. Pilates training is intense, but not as extensive as something requiring a degree. I've never wanted to be a trainer, but a Pilates instructor...that doesn't seem as overwhelming. Nor do the hours seem as insane. And I like the idea of the grace and beauty of Pilates. It amazes me what the body can do, truly, when I see and do things on these machines.
But I do love wine. It's tastier. And I think wine is easier to get excited about (because it's a sense thing). More accessible, more seductive. More naturally interesting, exciting. And multi-faceted: there's how to taste it, how it's made, the history, etc.
On the other hand, there are downsides to "going into wine" - it's pretty immense. Also...I've never had a great sense of smell!
So I've done some research (a little, for I am so terribly bad at research) and found a couple of institutions where I can learn more about each of them. Now I just need to do something. Stop looking for reasons to wait, stop trying to find something else to distract you, stop staying still. Find some motivation, find some energy, for God's sake, and please just do something.
Truthfully I'm probably mentally lazy. Which in itself is scary/disappointing/shameful to think about, but I think that's another topic. But I think it's also that I'm not really meant for "business." My brain doesn't really work that way. I want to understand what I'm supposed to do, and have a good, clear concept of what I have to do. I want the "work" to come to me, not to have to seek it out, or expand it, or be businessy about it. Not really what today's businesses want to hear, but...I'm okay with myself enough to understand that.
So, what, then, do I want? Why does that seem like it should be an easy question to answer? The things I've landed on:
1. I want to "make a difference."
2. I like working out - weights, cardio, pilates, cycling
3. I like wine.
#1 is like a trick though, because, if I find something I really like doing, will I care as much about make a difference? I think so. First, whatever I find "to do" might actually be something that makes a difference. Win-win. But second, there are so many ways to "make a difference" that this doesn't necessarily have to be answered by my job. It could be answered by donating, volunteering, fostering, becoming a mom, etc. So let's set that aside for now.
So for the last many years of my life, what has been consistent? Well, I've been working out consistently (sometimes harder than others) for 8 years. I've also really liked wine. So how do I decide which to pursue?
Fitness is a crazy big category - exercise physiology, personal training, physical therapy, sports medicine, etc, all of which require a lot more schooling. Not an easy decision considering it's been 9 years since I've been in school (wow, am I that old?). But even more important, school is really expensive! And how can I do it while working full time? Work/life balance is so crucial to me, and I can't see myself mentally surviving 40 hours of work per week plus school, plus home life.
Didn't I used to be wonder woman? How did this all get so taxing and exhausting?
So I'm not sure I'm capable of/up for a lot of expensive school that will take away from my enjoying life. But I did love Pilates when I went to mat classes all the time, and I'm really enjoying the reformer and other machines. That's an idea. Pilates training is intense, but not as extensive as something requiring a degree. I've never wanted to be a trainer, but a Pilates instructor...that doesn't seem as overwhelming. Nor do the hours seem as insane. And I like the idea of the grace and beauty of Pilates. It amazes me what the body can do, truly, when I see and do things on these machines.
But I do love wine. It's tastier. And I think wine is easier to get excited about (because it's a sense thing). More accessible, more seductive. More naturally interesting, exciting. And multi-faceted: there's how to taste it, how it's made, the history, etc.
On the other hand, there are downsides to "going into wine" - it's pretty immense. Also...I've never had a great sense of smell!
So I've done some research (a little, for I am so terribly bad at research) and found a couple of institutions where I can learn more about each of them. Now I just need to do something. Stop looking for reasons to wait, stop trying to find something else to distract you, stop staying still. Find some motivation, find some energy, for God's sake, and please just do something.
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