Written

When you haven't written in a long time, you forget how hard it is. Not that it's difficult to type out words and make them into a sentence - I do that all the time in emails. But to do it well - to be effective, to be moving - that's challenging.

When you used to "be a writer," and you've been away from it, you forget that it didn't just come easily and simply. It didn't all just flow out of your mind and onto the page, in these beautifully phrased, elegant paragraphs.

You forget all the times you had to just say everything you could think of until you could pinpoint some sort of theme. You forget how to actually start drafting, how to search for the data points that support your focus. You forget that you change your mind halfway through. You forget that even after you've written everything you think you want to, you reread it and realize you don't want to say that at all.

Writing again is like the first time you move after you've been sick in bed for a couple weeks. There is stiffness and uncertainty, aches and dullness as you start to flex the prime movers. Awareness has dimmed or faded, and for the first few tries it's more exploration and attempting than it is working out. Will this ever feel normal again?

After a while you start to feel some awakening; you sense some memories dancing at the edge of consciousness. There is a little burst of success, the "aha!" moment that reminds you what it used to feel like. Hopefully, if you keep at it, it will get better. Hopefully this is the start of something new and amazing.